Sheryl Karas, a former Alzheimer's Association consultant discovered that when caregivers called in to locate senior resources the bulk of her work wound up being providing emotional and spiritual support along the way. The issues that came up for family caregivers were very different for each person. It seemed like whatever their unresolved issues were - the family dynamics, feelings about things that happened in the past, beliefs and expectations they carried - THOSE were the things they needed to talk about most.
For many family caregivers, elder care or senior care in not always a labor of love; for some it can be a trap they fell into, an obligation, a task they resent and struggle to survive. In this conversation, Sheryl Karas shares with us when caregiving comes to us by default, how we can change this worst case scenario into one that actually works for all involved; the primary caregiver, family members or siblings, and the senior being cared for.
Sheryl says it's sad and frustrating when a family caregiver says they did not “choose” to be in this rold, they are a caregiver by default. Sheryl goes on to say she usually hears “My brother says his career keeps him too busy. My sister says she’s too busy with her three kids. I just got divorced and I don’t have kids or a career I care about. Mom insists on living at home and refuses to let a ‘stranger” into the house despite how much help she needs, so the job of taking care of her fell to me.” In this situation if pressed, Sheryl might hear that the woman cares about her mom and would feel guilty to say "no" to her... but the truth is that this caregiver doesn’t believe she had any choice but to say “yes.”
The anger and resentment can be so intense, that a caregiver cannot talk about her brother and sister without spitting out the words. In continuing work with the family caregiver, Sheryl finds out that family relationships are miserable because many times guilt is used to try to make other siblings do what they chose not to. Family dynamics are sometimes a disaster and primary family caregivers want someone to come in and fix it the family dynamics.
Caregivers are capable of making a change. No one can force a person to be a caregiver against their will. Our beliefs shape our experience and we always have the ability to change our experience by examining those beliefs and the choices that stem from them.
To contact Sheryl Karas at her blog on
